Hold Fast

This post is about depression & anxiety. It’s about the struggles, the reality & the impact this disorder has across the board. If you don’t believe this is a real disorder, go find something else to read. The internet is full of good stuff. I recommend Cracked.com. If you decided to read on & have negative comments, keep them to yourself, share them with like-minded people. I don’t care if you don’t understand, I don’t care if you think myself & those like me should ‘get over it’. You’re a wanker. And although I understand that you’re probably uneducated on the subject & have zero empathy for things you can't comprehend, your wankery responses aren’t welcome here & will be deleted.

Also, everyone’s battle with this disorder is completely different, this is just my journey & my perspective. I have GENERALISED ANXIETY & DEPRESSION, different to PTSD, PND, Social Anxiety & a whole stream of other disorders that have like SYMPTOMS. So don’t get your knickers in a knot when you read below about what does & doesn't work for me. It doesn’t work like that. Google the shit.

2016 is just around the corner & it will mark the start of my 7th year dealing with anxiety & depression. Admittedly, it started long before that, but the first major meltdown was in early 2009. It was the first time I had insight to the fact that there was a lot more to my low mood than a bad break-up, a negative comment from a colleague or no longer fitting into those size 8 jeans I loved so much. They were just the triggers.

I think the hardest part for me to understand & come to terms with is HOW.

Prior to this horrible & debilitating disorder taking hold, I was a different person. Full of life, fun, motivation & a killer “She’ll be right” attitude. I didn’t worry about a thing, I never second guessed myself & overall I was just a healthy person inside & out. It annoys the piss out of me that the woman who should have grown from that child & teenager does not & never will exist.

Instead my life is a constant battle against this disorder. There aren't many days I don't cry, don't have an anxiety attack or don't feel defeated. It rarely shows to the outside world & my fiancée & best friend are the only ones who truly know how bad it can get.

I used to ask myself all the time what the hell was wrong with me. I live in one of the best countries in the world. I have a good job. I have all of the love & support I could possibly need from my family & friends. What did I possibly have to be worried or upset about?

No medical condition, including mental & emotional health disorders targets a person based on their income, living situation or level of support. So when it comes to bringing these factors to the table & wondering why I still can’t stop crying, why I can’t find a way to get out of bed or a reason to smile – there is no point. I can assure you it’s not a bloody choice.

In the beginning, I berated myself constantly. I did not understand why I felt this way. Why I lacked energy, willpower, positivity. Why I woke up feeling like I wished I hadn’t. I couldn’t face the day. I sure didn't need some condescending asswipe who had zero interest in my true wellbeing telling me to "Just choose to be happy" & that any thoughts of suicide had been completely selfish. It never helped and it never will.

My personal favourite is the "everyone hits rough patches throughout their life, you just have to deal with it". Even when said with the best of intentions, this makes me want to slap the person across the face. This disorder doesn't mean I'm not dealing with life, it doesn't mean I need to learn any life skills. You idiot.

The reality is I do completely appreciate my life, the people & things in it. I am not okay with this disorder and I FIGHT it every damn day. I have done the whole show – the psychologists, the psychiatrists, the medication, the exercise, the yoga, the freaking deep breathing. All of which can help in the right situations but are NOT magic cures.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is part of my life & instead of trying to get rid of it, like most GP’s & uneducated wankers (there they are again!) will suggest – I have to LIVE with it. And I do, I'm getting better at it every day. The panic will never leave. The tightness in my chest, the shaking, the uneasy stomach. They will never truly be gone, just ready to raise their ugly heads whenever they please. 

So as much as the wankers aren't to be given free passage to berate us as the will, the masses of completely ignorant jerks will continue to swarm & do what they do - berate us, make it harder to live with these disorders, which is what we need to do. We are just as responsible for the stigma surrounding mental illness as they are. It's up to those of us that have to live with it, if for a period of time after an event, if for the brief periods where things get tough, if for the lifetime that your chemical/hormonal or whatever imbalance has you shackled to this debilitating illness; learn what works for you, do it & be safe & happy in the knowledge that you are doing all that you can each day. Ignore the people that will never understand & be strong. Stand together & be proud - not of your disease but the fact that you're strong enough to fight it day in & day out & you are a badass for that.

To everyone I know with any related disorders & to the strangers that this reaches, hold fast, friends. You've got this.