All of my previous posts that have
touched on (or excavated into) depression or anxiety have been written with
positivity. I’ve kept it real while ensuring I wasn’t just sharing woes, but making
a point. This time, not so much.
I have spent the past 6 weeks in a horrible
state only fitting my mask for work & for social events. The mask usually
covers all of the symptoms but this time it doesn’t quite fit, often slipping
when I need it to stay on the most. I’ve been nauseous, with jittery hands
& shortness of breath. My mind is scattered & forgetful. I’m angry,
frustrated, sad, lost, disappointed & worried – all of the things I often
feel & that so many people feel, except I’m not keeping a lid on it quite
like I normally do.
Today was a rare & exciting date
day for Jake & I. With no Charli to tend to we headed to the cinemas to be
one of the last to see the new Avengers movie. I cried in the car on the way
there, feeling super sick in the stomach, anxiety had its claws in my chest
already & wasn’t letting go. I cried at breakfast when I couldn’t sit still
& couldn’t hold a conversation with my mind so fractured & adrift. I set
some shopping goals to have something to do before the movie started &
spent that hour putting all of my energy into finding what we were after so I
simply didn’t have to think about anything else. The movie distracted me for a
while but with some good laughs & some sad scenes, the constantly bubbling
pot of emotions threatened to boil right over, flipping off a lid that might
not go back on again.
On & on go the days like this, at
work, out to coffee catch-ups, at home on the couch. All of my usual go-tos
feel like I’m trying to put a Band-Aid on a severed artery. There’s nothing for
it. So today I say that sometimes, I’ve got nothin’. Despite trying as a hard
as possible, doing all of the things I can think of, it is just sitting with me
for now. So, I’ll go to bed & hope tomorrow is different or at least
better. Forgive me while my mask is ill-fitted, it’ll snap back into shape
soon, it always does.
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